I said I’d never do it again and I did. I thought the taste of eating one’s own words would be slightly more sour but the extra $300 in my pocket makes it much too sweet. I broke down…and got a waiting job. Waiting tables is a bit like heroin. Once you’ve done it, it’s ever to easy to do again, especially when stealing apples off of people’s trees has been your primary source of food for two weeks. The restaurant, pardon, diner, is about the easiest waiting job I’ve ever had. Wine list to memorize? Yea right. Extensive menu test? Please. All I have to do is know what items to ask “What kind of toast with that?” and the job practically does itself for you. Actually, my hispanic busser Melvin practially does the job for me…
Me: (under my breath, mostly meant for only myself to hear) “Shoot, I forgot to get coffee out to table 10.”
Melvin: ”Iss OK! Day ass for café? I bring that!”
Me: (again, under my breath) “Crap, did they want a chocolate or a vanilla milkshake?”
Melvin: ”Iss OK! I ass for you, iss a banyella. I do that!”
He is actually the greatest thing to happen to my Spanish since….well, ever. Including the 9 months I spent in South America. He stands 5’2” tall, eats a plate of corn beef hash every shift (in about 9.8 seconds), wears a black button down with an embroidered gold scorpion on the back, and yells out Spanish love songs when he sweeps the floor at night. God bless him.
Besides my faithful sidekick, slapping on my southern gal charm works better than I could have dreamed. It did its job sufficiently when I waited in New Orleans but man, if I could transport that kind of restaurant out to California, I would be driving a Porsche in a week. ”Darlin’” and “ya’ll” are a southerner’s greatest gift to the tipping industry since cushion inserts. One in about every four tables stop me at some point during the meal and say “Now are you really from the south? Because you say “ya’ll” like you are!” To which I reply, “Yes, I real live one standing right in front of you! But don’t tap the glass, liberals scare us.” Which of course just gets them all giggly and feeling worldly. Now hand over your wallet sucker.